I want to write about hurting. I feel like it is so important to stress that my life is not rainbow and sunshine. I want to share my journey, because I think it is so important for people to see that it is possible to live a life you love. It is possible to be happy.
I feel like I need to share my journey because at one point, I truly did not believe it was possible to continue living.
I remember the moment vividly:
I was just dumped by an abusive “friend with benefits.” I saw him as a potential boyfriend, and he saw me as a plaything. In reality, it never would have worked out, but in this toxic relationship, he tore me down. I was constantly told how stupid I was, how useless I was, and how annoying I was. The small things I would get excited about (think cute puppies) were met with scoffs and disgust. Everything I cared about was pointless and dumb in his eyes. And yet I still cared how he felt about me.
I was laying in bed, after having cried to the point I was out of tears. My chest was filled with an aching hollowness. I felt like the most worthless human being in the world. I stared up at the ceiling, wishing that my body would just shut down and die. Exhausted and broken, I fell asleep – hoping I would not awake.
Then, the unexplainable happened.
The memory is faded now, but I dreamt that I was in a house with big, large windows. It was nighttime outside. Suddenly, a man appeared – one who I had never seen before. He was tall and kind of goofy looking. He wore glasses, and was wearing pure white. I looked up at him, and he hugged me. Everything turned to light. He looked down at me, and said “Everything is going to be okay.”
The feeling of absolute comfort, peace, bliss, hope, and love flooded through me. It was a sensation beyond this world. Warmth surrounded me. There was nothing but love and goodness. I felt pure.
I woke up smiling, with my face still dry and smeared with tears. I had a renewed sense of life. I knew that things were still pretty awful, but believed his words to be true – everything is going to be okay.
When I told my mother about the dream, her eyes widened. She dug out an old photograph, and it matched the man from my dream perfectly. I asked who it was, and it turned out to be her father.
Since this moment, I have had other similar experiences as well. But I don’t know if I would even be writing here now if that moment never happened. I know I am blessed – because it certainly isn’t every day that you get inter-dimensional hugs from family members.
Life is hard. Living is hard. But it is also beautiful and wonderful and full of adventure. It is absolutely worth it to be. We live in a universe of endless opportunities – and yet so often we find ourselves feeling empty. We seek a greater purpose, yet are so fearful to go after it. In my case, I was fearful to exist because I did not want to get hurt again. I was fearful to exist because I did not want the words “you’re worthless,” “you’re an idiot,” and “you’re so annoying” to ring true. I stopped pursuing my passions (including writing) because of the awful not good enough thoughts festering in my brain. When I finally learned how to overcome them (yes, I still have them!) I finally was able to be truly, genuinely happy.
To those that may need this, take this post as my inter-dimensional hug to you. Let the love flow. Let your mind find peace. Keep chasing your dreams. Keep the light in your eyes. Never let anyone convince you that you are any less than the truly beautiful, wonderful, unique being that you are. Please trust that no matter what place you are in right now, that everything is going to be okay.