Ponderings

So. It’s been a rough 2019 so far.

I have been in and out of the hospital. Long story short – I didn’t like my body before, because I didn’t weigh 135lbs. And then I didn’t like my body AT ALL when it seemingly revolted against me. I felt so frustrated and angry with myself. WHY couldn’t it just DO what I WANTED it to do?

And then. Today. I was brushing my teeth and looked in the mirror. No makeup. My eyes still a little bleary from a rough nights sleep. I was looking at my disheveled hair, thinking about how I like it now but “have” to grow it out because my fiancé likes it better longer… And the realization hit me – I don’t HAVE to hate myself.

I can like my hair the way I like it. I can embrace my body – with its countless flaws – and listen to it. I can make myself, and my body, happier if I just choose to love instead of hate.

What if my tummy isn’t a problem area, but rather, a comfy place for my cat to curl up to? What if my disheveled hair isn’t messy, and instead kinda cute? What if my bad eyesight is instead a good excuse to wear nerdy glasses? What if my crooked teeth are just a smile?

I know I can be healthier. But is hating myself along the way really going to help? Why not love myself, at every point of this journey? Even if I’m just at the starting line?

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