So this is going to be a bit of a more personal post, but I think it is important that I put this out there. I think this is important because my life, while full of highlights, is not a highlight reel. I believe I owe it to my readers and to myself to be as transparent as possible. I know I have been absent, inconsistent and at times lacking direction. This is why.
In 2014, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Since then, I have struggled with my body. I have hated it for the weight gain, the tiredness and the elimination of the possibility of having children. I have been cruel toward myself, chastising myself over food – over and over and over again.
Each year, I would set goals to lose weight and I would start off strong, only to relapse and gain more weight. I would torment myself over throwing my progress out the window. I convinced myself that my body is broken – that even if I tried again, the same thing would happen. My metabolism is not good enough. My body has failed me. This was my truth.
Over the past few months, I have tried various things to lose weight. I tried Tone It Up, where I would do well for a week or two, and then fall off track. I tried restarting some meal plans/workouts that a previous coach gave me, only to plan things out and not do them. I tried playing Just Dance. It felt like I tried everything. Having my health being my priority goal for 2018, and failing at it, made me feel like there was no hope.
I felt like a lost cause. Glancing through fitspo and transformation posts made me feel like everyone else was able to lose weight…except me. I felt like garbage. With our recent engagement and wedding planning looming, I dreaded the thought of finding a dress, being in pictures and feeling awful about myself. I realized that if I wanted to look and feel beautiful on our wedding day, something had to change.
I did research to try and learn more about how my body works. In my reading, I discovered that in order to cure my polycystic ovarian syndrome, it was best for me to eat a dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, low GI diet. The dread set in. I won’t be able to eat anything. This was not sustainable. This was not possible. I also learned that intense cardio workouts could do more harm than good – causing an inflammatory response in my body and more hormonal disruption. How am I supposed to lose weight?
Everything felt overwhelming, so I chose to focus on other goals instead. I focused on advancing my career and learning new skills. However, the overwhelm and self loathing remained. I realized that I could no longer avoid these feelings. I could no longer refuse to acknowledge my weight and the need to take action on my own health.
I stepped on the scale. It was the highest number I’ve ever seen.
Within me, a voice roared – NO MORE!
I took a leap of faith. After months of sitting on the sidelines, I enrolled in 2B Mindset through Beachbody, knowing I needed to have a solid commitment and a support group to help me get through. I am proud to say that within 2 days, I have lost 3.8 pounds. Is it mostly water weight? Yes. Is it progress? Yes!
Our refrigerator is stacked with vegetables. My mind is clear. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself, but also realize that being healthy is no longer a want. I need to do this, for my health, my mind and my life. I cannot be happy until I am at peace with myself. The only way I am going to find peace is if I take control of my life and my habits and make a lasting, consistent change.
Since 2014, my story has remained the same. My metabolism is not good enough. My body has failed me. I won’t be able to eat anything. How am I supposed to lose weight?
I am changing that story. I am changing my truth. This is my priority, now and forever. I have one body to get me through this life, and I will not let it waste away and die without a fight.
I know I am far from the only one with this struggle. I know I am not alone. So I will do my best to be transparent and consistent during this new chapter. As my priority will be my health, I do want to set the expectation that there may be times I choose a workout over a blog post while I establish my habits. I also want the following message to be clear:
Do not give up.
I am far from perfect. I have tried and tried to lose weight. I have failed, over and over. But I know how important this is to me. I know how much it means to me and my fiancé, my friends, my family… I must not give a minimum effort “try” anymore. I must commit and do. So long as I do not give up, none of those previous failures matter. What matters is that you keep going.
Until next time, at another 3.8 pounds down,