No More

So this is going to be a bit of a more personal post, but I think it is important that I put this out there.  I think this is important because my life, while full of highlights, is not a highlight reel.  I believe I owe it to my readers and to myself to be as transparent as possible.  I know I have been absent, inconsistent and at times lacking direction.  This is why.

In 2014, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Since then, I have struggled with my body.  I have hated it for the weight gain, the tiredness and the elimination of the possibility of having children.  I have been cruel toward myself, chastising myself over food – over and over and over again.

Each year, I would set goals to lose weight and I would start off strong, only to relapse and gain more weight.  I would torment myself over throwing my progress out the window.  I convinced myself that my body is broken – that even if I tried again, the same thing would happen.  My metabolism is not good enough.  My body has failed me.  This was my truth.

Over the past few months, I have tried various things to lose weight.  I tried Tone It Up, where I would do well for a week or two, and then fall off track.  I tried restarting some meal plans/workouts that a previous coach gave me, only to plan things out and not do them.  I tried playing Just Dance.  It felt like I tried everything.  Having my health being my priority goal for 2018, and failing at it, made me feel like there was no hope.

I felt like a lost cause.  Glancing through fitspo and transformation posts made me feel like everyone else was able to lose weight…except me.  I felt like garbage.  With our recent engagement and wedding planning looming, I dreaded the thought of finding a dress, being in pictures and feeling awful about myself.  I realized that if I wanted to look and feel beautiful on our wedding day, something had to change.

I did research to try and learn more about how my body works.  In my reading, I discovered that in order to cure my polycystic ovarian syndrome, it was best for me to eat a dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, low GI diet.  The dread set in.  I won’t be able to eat anything.  This was not sustainable.  This was not possible.  I also learned that intense cardio workouts could do more harm than good – causing an inflammatory response in my body and more hormonal disruption.  How am I supposed to lose weight?

Everything felt overwhelming, so I chose to focus on other goals instead.  I focused on advancing my career and learning new skills.  However, the overwhelm and self loathing remained.  I realized that I could no longer avoid these feelings.  I could no longer refuse to acknowledge my weight and the need to take action on my own health.

I stepped on the scale.  It was the highest number I’ve ever seen.

Within me, a voice roared – NO MORE!

I took a leap of faith.  After months of sitting on the sidelines, I enrolled in 2B Mindset through Beachbody, knowing I needed to have a solid commitment and a support group to help me get through.  I am proud to say that within 2 days, I have lost 3.8 pounds.  Is it mostly water weight?  Yes.  Is it progress?  Yes!

Our refrigerator is stacked with vegetables.  My mind is clear.  I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself, but also realize that being healthy is no longer a want.  I need to do this, for my health, my mind and my life.  I cannot be happy until I am at peace with myself.  The only way I am going to find peace is if I take control of my life and my habits and make a lasting, consistent change.

Since 2014, my story has remained the same. My metabolism is not good enough.  My body has failed me.  I won’t be able to eat anything.  How am I supposed to lose weight?

I am changing that story.  I am changing my truth.  This is my priority, now and forever.  I have one body to get me through this life, and I will not let it waste away and die without a fight.

I know I am far from the only one with this struggle.  I know I am not alone.  So I will do my best to be transparent and consistent during this new chapter.  As my priority will be my health, I do want to set the expectation that there may be times I choose a workout over a blog post while I establish my habits.  I also want the following message to be clear:

Do not give up.

I am far from perfect.  I have tried and tried to lose weight.  I have failed, over and over.  But I know how important this is to me.  I know how much it means to me and my fiancé, my friends, my family…  I must not give a minimum effort “try” anymore.  I must commit and do.  So long as I do not give up, none of those previous failures matter.  What matters is that you keep going.

Until next time, at another 3.8 pounds down,

xoxo Amy

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1 thought on “No More

  1. Don’t give up. You’re in this for the long haul. ❤

    Like

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