Here I am writing when I thought I was done blogging for today. But in all honesty, I did some soul-searching, and found that in reality, I have been limiting myself for so long – and it almost feels natural at this point. Write a mediocre post because I can’t think of anything “good” to write about? Come on. We’re better than that.
In truth, I had plenty I could write about. But instead I chose (yes, it was a choice – subconscious or not) to write something that wasn’t up to snuff. It was my own self-sabotage kicking in. Because if I continued to write mediocre posts and lose the interest of readers, then I could say “I tried” and it didn’t work. Even though deep down, I knew I wasn’t giving it my best.
I have always been a dabbler in things, from painting to video games, writing to sports. I have an awful habit of not finishing what I start, mainly because once things don’t seem to be going the way I believe they “should” be (and newsflash, if you’re trying something new, you’re not going to know how things “should” be going), I shut down, go all self-pity, and try something else. And the cycle continues.
I cannot count the amount of times I have limited my own potential by procrastinating until the last minute, self-sabotaging, and convincing myself that no matter what I do I will never be “good enough.” And in all honesty, it angers me. I know I am not alone in this struggle, but it cannot help but feel like something in me is “broken.” Why can’t I believe in myself like others believe in me? Why can’t I be “good enough” in my own eyes?
The truth is, I can. But I keep making choices that reinforce this false belief of not being “good enough,” because it’s what my brain has become wired to and used to. I can break the cycle. I just need to keep making the conscious decisions to do so.
So, that’s why I’m writing in here again. Because I know that if I am going to be a successful writer or entrepreneur, by any degree, it’s going to mean that I need to shift the beliefs that I became so used to. It means that if I write a mediocre post, I own up to it, acknowledge that I’m self-sabotaging, and work harder to curb those sort of decisions to begin with. I’ve taken the first steps toward bettering myself, and have come far in the last year or so, but I am nowhere near where I want to be.
When I look in the mirror, my eyes do not match the rest of me. My eyes show a fire, a determination, that my soft, unhealthy body does not exhibit. My soul burns with a desire to do more and be more. Yet my body shows partially as an example of how that has been limited. And the only one I have to blame is myself.
If I am going to take this blog (and my life, spirit, happiness, and health) seriously, I need to commit and invest in myself. I can no longer stand on the sidelines and make up excuses as to X, Y, or Z. I can no longer be a spectator – I must be in the game. I can’t give way to the “what if’s” or the “I don’t know’s.” I need to act.
To symbolize this shift, I am finally giving myself the office “makeover” (and by that, I really mean a new desk and some things) that I have wanted since moving into our apartment in 2016. If we are going to stay put here while we get our shit together, I might as well make it worth it. And if I am going to take myself seriously, I am going to need an office I can work in, instead of staring at the desk and grumbling how much I dislike it (honestly, this desk has so many negative memories around it and I wish I never brought it). I can no longer afford to give in to excuses and distractions. And if I have a space and equipment dedicated to blogging, I think it will work to benefit in the long run.
I know the next few weeks are going to mark a transitional period – so consistency in terms of posts may not be where I would like it to be. My goal is to get the majority of my posts written on the weekends and scheduled out, so I can focus on fitness during the week (because my poor body seriously needs some attention if I want to get through the rest of my life). While I know it is best to tackle one goal at a time so you can dedicate 100% focus, unfortunately I have far too much I want to achieve. I need to write, I need to blog, and I need to take better care of myself. So if I can find a way where I can dedicate 100% focus without compromising either of them, then that’s going to work best.
I know this is a bit of a rant/tangent, but I really wanted to get this out there. I’m tired of starting over and over again. I’m tired of wondering what could have or would have happened if I really put my full efforts into something. I’m tired of letting a shitty past overshadow my present and future.
I’m investing in myself and my goals. And I’m grateful that you, as readers, have decided to join me in this journey to becoming a fully realized version of myself. I am hopeful that moments like these are beneficial in exemplifying that nothing is linear in the path to success. I know that this transition period is temporary and part of the process. I know that I am not perfect, and there will probably be more moments like these going forward. But I am grateful for the experience, and for the Universe perpetually pulling me in the right direction, as I know it will all be worth it. I promise that this will all be worth it to you as well. What I learn on this journey I will be sharing with you, in hopes that it will help you to find your own way. So hang tight, bare with me, and be prepared to be met with more questions than answers. This path is not the easy one, but it is the one worth living.